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Recovery Songs

by Kat Hamilton

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1.
I'm in treatment for my problems Sign out my medication, I've done my meditation today. I am healing from my trauma Though it may not look that way, I cried into my plate at lunch We've all been told that we aren't good enough By the people that we love, lovers that we trust Down for the count and we're doing just fine Me and my sick friends, waiting in the medicine line Laughing at dinner with my sisters I can't almost forgot we are just these broken shards Almost normal in our shatter As I try to remember this is how a mosaic starts. We've all been told that we aren't good enough By the people that we love, lovers that we trust Down for the count and we're doing just fine Me and my sick friends, waiting in the medicine line Someday they'll throw my broken body in the bay But for now, we're not alone. We are the ones that got away.
2.
Ohio 03:57
When I wake up, my headache is burning my brow Another night of worrying about you Somewhere in Ohio, you're driving around Cursing my name to the radio DJ My stomach is churning, attacking itself with guilt And with sorrow I'm pouring hot water over coffee grounds Wondering if you're holding it together but does it even matter? Guess I'm no longer welcome in Ohio I guess I'm no longer welcome and I already know Guess I'm no longer welcome in Ohio It doesn't matter that I stare at your letter alone Til my vision blurs your words jumbled You said that you'd never love anyone again Do you know what that does to my psyche? I can't breathe, I'm leaning at the base of the stairs Waiting for my anvil to fall My picture is hanging in a bar somewhere You're throwing darts and telling your friends that I couldn't care less Guess I'm no longer welcome in Ohio I guess I'm no longer welcome and I already know That I'm the devil incarnate for breaking your heart And you'll never let it go Guess I'm no longer welcome in Ohio This is my apology for everything I couldn't be This is my apology, I'm sorry How many times do I have to live up to what you put on me?
3.
Empty Room 03:40
It always starts with me getting cocky It always starts with me not listening and I'm thrown from the bull I ask you to hold my issues Roll up my reservations like a man does Before he challenges another drunk man to another drunk fight I'm always in a drunk fight with myself i'm terribly sober and I'm starting to think If I didn't have to listen to myself speak Well I wouldn't If I didn't have to listen to myself speak Well I wouldn't Well I wouldn't Did I say something thoughtless I feel like I should hide in the closet till the parties over I'm picking at my beer label I'm shifting in this backless chair And I wonder if anyone would notice if I left I'm just another voice in this cacophony of unhad sex I'm a terrible listener and I guess I believe If I didn't have to tolerate myself think Well I wouldn't If I didn't have to tolerate myself think Well I wouldn't If I didn't have to listen to myself speak Well I wouldn't If I didn't have to listen to myself speak Well I wouldn't Am I even real life? Or does my true self only exist in my own mind? If I sat alone long enough, what hell would I find? I wanna run barefoot from your house till I see the sunrise I wanna run barefoot from your house till I see the sunrise
4.
Slow Motion 03:11
I watched the bomb go off in slow motion I watched the blood unfold in the sky All I could do was watch the explosion All I could do was stand there and cry You were the consequence too little too late The convincing argument I wish I had made To you as you walked away In slow motion In slow motion I always thought I would put up a fight If the chips were down I'd go swinging into the night But when I looked at you from the other side of the divide, I froze Watched you walk away In slow motion In slow motion In slow motion In slow motion
5.
Hate Me 02:33
Nightmares shake me awake Murdering my pillowcase Just wish I wasn't alone And when I close my eyes, I'm haunted by visions of your face Wish I could scratch em out Just erase it Why do I miss you when you hate me? Why do I miss you when you hate me? Why do I miss you when you hate me? When you hate me? Don't wanna miss the way you always knew what I was thinking I never had to say it Don't want to miss your breathe Grazing on the back of my neck I feel like a lunatic Wish I could remove it Why do I miss you when you hate me? Why do I miss you when you hate me? Why do I miss you when you hate me? When you hate me?
6.
Midnight, full moon is violent Carved out of the sky like it's stolen Windchill penetrates my jacket no there ain't enough layers to cover this heart I want to live as a chain-smoking cowboy Got a girl, got a horse, got a fire I want to escape this prison of me This prison of desire Where do you go when you're afraid of your body? Who do you call when you're afraid of your body? Where do you run to? When the problem is you? Where do you run to? Self harm it has a bloody kiss and it takes and it takes what you give My heart has the teethmarks of where it bit I'm no saint and I don't think I'm going to heaven I could drive my car to Antarctica but I'll never escape what I'm trapped in Where do you go when you're afraid of your body? Who do you call when you're afraid of your body? Where do you run to? When the problem is you? Where do you run to?
7.
Amnesia 04:03
I don't wanna know your name But I do I don't wanna see your face The ghost in my room Don't wanna remember pain You put me through Every time you come up in conversation I wanna rip my body in two Said you forgot about me Where do you get off without memories? And I think it's a little convenient Instead of PTSD, I wish you gave me amnesia Don't wanna know how you've been Cause you didn't want know how I was You didn't wanna care about Anything you had done You always get to wipe your hands and sit and watch Far be it from me to give you a crisis of conscience when you never had one Said you forgot about me Where do you get off without memories? And I think it's a little convenient Instead of PTSD, I wish you gave me amnesia I wish you gave me amnesia I wish you gave me Amnesia I wish you gave me Amnesia
8.
Little Gods 05:01
I'm gonna take this day And not think about all the ways I hurt you And at night when I pray, None of my words will concern you I'm holding on to something better I wake up, I breathe air I'm driving miss daisy down 101 Singing that same old Springsteen song I made some mistakes I did, yeah I did I made some mistakes, I did But whose saint was I anyway? Whose saint was I? I heard you're calling my friends Thinking you're doing them some kind of service Like you're equipped to dole out my sentence Like you're god. When you look in the mirror, Do you see a halo and wings Are you sitting on a thrown of your judgmental thoughts? Baby I'm not You made some mistakes Yeah you have, yeah you have You made some mistakes, yeah you have Who's saint are you anyway? Who's saint are you anyway? Did your heart stop working? When you became a god? Were you afraid of learning in the face of the faith that you lost? Did your heart stop working? And I hurt you badly Didn't claim to be holy Who's saint? Who's saint? Who's saint was I anyway?
9.
Stayed on the line until my tears dried I'm six months in to a tunnel with no other side 115 pounds and barely alive I came back from the dead made of feathers Curled on the ground screaming my fears out Into you're nervous receiver Are you gonna hang up on me? My best friend says she's staying but I don't believe her I'm getting tired of talking about plastic folding chairs And thank you for your shares Just wishing you were there Thousands of miles between you and I And you're barefoot porch on a humid night Laughing so hard until my skin fits right Instead of stale cookie sighs Everyone here knows my first name and I've given them the blueprints for my veins They don't know what I was like before I came They see relapse in training I'm getting tired of talking about plastic folding chairs And thank you for your shares Just wishing you were there I'm getting tired of livin A life hidden in plastic folding chairs Next to strangers in repair Just wishing you were there I don't wanna introduce myself to anyone I don't wanna introduce myself to anyone I don't want to explain myself to anyone I just wanna talk to you

credits

released October 30, 2020

Written and Performed by Kat Hamilton
Produced by Allee Futterer
Engineered by: Vira Byramji
Assistant Engineers: Cooper Stites (PDX) and Mike Vernon Davis (Seattle)
Edited by: Javier Zacharias
Guitars: Liv Slingerland, Molly Miller, Tomas Morello, Kat Hamilton, Allee Futterer
Bass: Allee Futterer
Drums: Will Lynch, Jake Reed, Kiel Feher
Keys: Allee Futterer, Kat Hamilton
Trumpet: Niko Giamo
Mixed by: Ryan Gilligan
Mastered by: Joe La Porta at Sterling Sound
Recorded at:
Hallowed Halls, Portland OR and
Hall of Justice, Seattle WA

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